Of all the most sinful, debauched and disgusting things I have done with bacon, this one takes the cake.

On a depravity scale of 1 to 10, these are a 11.25, at least.

Chocolate dipped marshmallows rolled in toffee and bacon? I need an intervention.

Send a Rabbi please. Make sure he brings some M&Ms, though – in case my blood sugar gets low.

If you’re a boy, or more specifically my husband, you’ll scowl in repulsion at these chocolate, bacon, and toffee covered marshmallows. But if you’re a little wacky like me, you’ll love these and devour their sticky, melty chewiness while gnawing the stick clean.

In fact, if you’re like me, you order a diet soda with your extra-value meal.

Oh yeah, that’s right, I get down with the Mickey D’s.

If you’re anything like me, sometimes you go to bed without washing your makeup off, only to wake up with eyelashes smearked (thats smeared and caked ) into one large mascara’d mess.

And let’s get real, y’all – it’s got to be a pretty special occasion (i.e. a cold day in Hell) for you to get dressing on the side. I know. In fact, while we’re at that table, maybe you DON’T always keep your elbows off it. How else are you going to participate in totally inappropriate dining conversation if you can’t lean in, waving your fork for emphasis?

And when you finally get to a point when your pants won’t zipper, you diet. Because for you, “eating intuitively” is a joke. You intuitively like the feeling of a full belly, so you have something to rub when you sigh after a good meal. Your intuition isn’t a naturally skinny girl – she’s a mouthy bitch that loves cake.

So, if we have a little or a lot in common, you should try these stone cold, trashy-ass marshmallows and enjoy them with as little shame as I did.

Just make sure to get a Diet Coke on the side.

Chocolate Toffee and Bacon Covered Marshmallows

Marshmallows
Chocolate chips (milks chocolate or semi-sweet)
Heath bar toffee bits
Bacon, finely diced and fried until crisp
Lollipop sticks

Line a plate or a cookie sheet with wax paper. Insert a lollipop stick into one flat end of the marshmallows and set aside.

Melt the chocolate chips over a double boiler. Dip the marshmallows into the melted chocolate and gently shake to dislodge excess chocolate. Roll one half of the chocolate dipped marshmallows in toffee and the other half in the bacon. Set the marshmallows on the plate or cookie sheet and allow the chocolate to cool and harden completely before eating.

“Yep, there she goes – she done did it again. Putting bacon on a donut as if there’s a shortage of bacon or donuts being eaten in this world.”

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did done did it again and I do done think it’s good.

Besides, this donut is a tribute to Elvis and his favorite sandwich. We’re talking about a banana donut with peanut butter glaze and bacon sprinkle. You can’t fault me for my desire to honor a musical icon.

I won’t be a cheese-ball and say that one bite of this donut had me all shook up.

But since we’re there, let me tell you why I can’t help falling in love with these little gems. First, we have a donut that is tender and fluffy in the middle with a fine, brown sugar crispness at the edges. The peanut butter glaze amplifies the sweetness and nuttiness of said edges. The bacon balances everything out with just a little bit of smoke, salt and meatiness. It’s a little donut with a big flavor.

Dare I say that this donut is a hunka hunka burning love in your tummy?

No. One of these donuts isn’t. But maybe if, like me, you eat a couple in one sitting, they’ll indeed be sitting like a hunka hunka something in the bottom of your gut.

It’s kinda hard not to partake in more than your fair share. A delicious plate of these, sitting in their decisive little pile, throwing seductive glances and crispy bacon crumbles your way, may leave you panting like a hound dog, unable to resist one more donut and then another one.

Anyway, I promised myself that I would never be a total dork and throw in a bunch of truly terrible Elvis puns to pitch these donuts. It would make y’all groan out loud, much like I do at some of Mr. Hausfrau’s jokes. I won’t be (that) cruel.

But, I’ll be honest with you – it may be a blue Christmas without these donuts.

Elvis Donuts
(heavily adapted from Everyday with Rachel Ray)

1 1/4 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
3 ripe bananas, mashed
1 tablespoon vanilla
1/2 cup vegetable oil

1/2 cup powdered sugar
1/4 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup half and half
1/4 teaspoon vanilla

6 slices of bacon, finely diced and fried until crisp

Preheat the oven to 350.

In a large bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the sugars, eggs, mashed banana, vanilla and oil.

Stir the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients until no streaks of flour appear.

Fill the greased wells of a donut pan until approximately 2/3 full of batter. Bake 15 minutes. Allow the donuts to cool completely in their pans before gently removing them.

For the glaze: In a small bowl, mash the powdered sugar into the peanut butter until combined. whisk in the half and half, one tablespoon at a time until blended. Whisk in the vanilla.

Dip the donuts in the glaze and place them on a wire rack set over wax paper or another sheet pan, allowing the excess glaze to drip down. Once the glaze has had a few minutes to start setting, sprinkle the bacon crumbles across the donuts. Allow the glaze to fully set before enjoying.

Because you avoided the debacle of 2007 (when you forgot to turn on the oven and there was no turkey on Thanksgiving) by getting the turkey catered.

Because no one complained about the new recipe you used for the green bean casserole, even though the old recipe had been used in the family for the last 23 years.

Because you did not cause any controversy with Uncle Sherman by informing him, politely, that it is not-so-polite to refer to women as “broads.”

Because you actually thought all that black friday stuff was no big deal, so you decided to just run to the mall, but after it took you a whole 65 minutes to find a parking space, you were in quite the sour mood and you weren’t going to just run anywhere.

Because you’re going to need something to gnaw on while you spend the afternoon doing your holiday shopping online, since being in a sour mood makes you spend lots of money on boots and scarves and other things that stray from your gift-giving list.

Because it’s Monday, and no one likes Mondays.

I have the balm to soothe all your aches and relax all your pains. It’s bacon and it’s sprinkled with cinnamon sugar. If you close your eyes, you’d swear you’re eating a donut.

You need this. Today, especially. Because your house is a mess and you’ve already spent too much money and we aren’t in December yet.

No need to thank me. Just leave a few coins at the door.

Cinnamon Sugared Bacon

12 slices bacon
2 tablespoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

Preheat the oven to 350.

In a small bowl, toss together the sugar and cinnamon. Set aside.

Place a cooling rack into a quarter sheet pan. Lay the bacon out in one layer on the rack. Do not overlap the slices. Bake at 350 for 22 minutes. Sprinkle the bacon with the cinnamon sugar mixture and broil 2-3 minutes, watching the bacon carefully so it doesn’t burn.

Remove from the oven and transfer the bacon to a paper towel-lined plate. Enjoy while warm!

Well, these. . . .

These . . . apparently leave me speechless.

These teriyaki bacon-wrapped dates are a fine, fine specimen of savory and sweet, gooey and meaty. They’ll leave your fingers absolutely caked with their sticky love.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It leaves you a little sumthin-sumthin for later.

That’s gross. And really unsanitary.

These beauteous little appetizers are actually a riff on the one of my favorites: Rumaki. I first tried Rumaki at a New Year’s Eve party my boss had when I was 19 years old. It was as if my taste buds were awakened from a Rip van Winkle-esque slumber. I spent the next half hour stalking that tray of Rumaki as it was passed around. I must have looked odd, pushing unsuspecting women and children out of my way, chanting, “Bacon, bacon! Give it to me wrapped in bacon!”

To my dying day, I will blame it on hormones and claim that it wasn’t that big a deal and everyone else had too much to drink.

Geez, those lushes.

I decided to swap out the water chestnuts for dates here, for no other reason than my major problem with conformity. And I basted these beauties with Teriyaki sauce, for no other reason than my major crush on the word “baste.”

When they were done, I delicately plated these little treats up on a small platter to take pictures of them. But, when I got behind the camera, I realized they looked like cockroaches. And that just wasn’t cool, man.

I needed to show that these were indeed bacon and zoom in on their intricacies while i was at it. Because these aren’t some shallow little hussies. They’re glazed. They’re smokey. They’re a party in your mouth, but they also read Proust. Heck, I don’t even read Proust.

My point, which I am only now getting to, is that we’re entering into a season of holidays and parties. It’s likely you’ll be hosting something. Your guests are going to come to your house HUNGRY. They’re not going to have a sensible snack 90 minutes prior to their arrival. They’re going to starve all day to save room and calories for the feast you are going to spread before them. They WILL hover about your kitchen like fruit flies.

Do yourself a favor and throw a couple dozen of these morsels at them. That way you can carve the turkey in peace.

Teriyaki Bacon-Wrapped Dates

18 dates
9 slices of bacon
2 tablespoons teriyaki sauce

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Cut the bacon slices in half (this is easiest done when the bacon is very cold). Placing one date at the end of one half-slice of bacon, tightly roll the date in the bacon, securing each roll with a tooth pick. Place the wrapped bacon on a sheet pan.

Bake the bacon-wrapped dates 20 minutes. Switch the oven to broil. Brush the dates with the teriyaki sauce and broil 1-2 minutes, until sizzling and a deep burnished brown.

Serve immediately.

I did a bad, bad thing.

It started out as an innocent thing.  Absolutely benign, as a matter of fact.

I woke up Sunday morning, determined to finally conquer a recipe out of the my Babycakes cookbooks.  It’s not that I hadn’t tried any of them.  In fact, I had tried seven of them (from frosting to soda bread and everything in between), following the recipes to a T,  and none of them turned out the way they should.

When I say none, I mean, like, zero.  And when I say the recipes didn’t turn out as they should, I mean that I had stark, raving messes which made me wonder if either my books had misprints or I was illiterate.

Anyway, back to Sunday morning;  I had a new donut pan, and I wanted to put it to good use.  Babycakes Covers the Classics has donut recipes.  But, if I can be real honest, I mean rrrrruuuullly rrruuuulllly honest, I was in no mood to waste ingredients.  So, some liberties were going to be taken and some bastardization was going to happen to one of those recipes.

I asked Mr. Hausfrau what kind of donuts he wanted.  He wrinkled his nose, “I want eggs.  And bacon.”

I was going to tell him what a royal pain-in-the-ass party-pooper he was, but hormones intervened inspiration struck and suddenly sweet and salty was tap-tap-tap-dancing on my tongue.

. . . bacon was already on the menu. . . .

. . . and we all know how much I love maple syrup and bacon. . . .

So, I took a lovely vegan donut recipe and adapted it.

And added bacon to it.

And I think that is just one more reason I will end up in hell.

But, GOSH, it was worth it.

Maple Bacon Donuts

(adapted from Babycakes Covers the Classics)

For the donuts:

1/2 cup brown rice flour

1/4 cup white rice flour

1/3 cup Bob’s Red Mill all purpose gluten-free baking flour

1/2 cup potato starch

1/4 cup arrowroot

1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/8 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon xanthan gum

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup maple syrup

1/3 cup melted coconut oil

6 tablespoons unsweetened apple sauce

2 tablespoons vanilla extract

1 teaspoon maple extract

For the glaze:

1 1/2 cup powdered sugar

1/8 teaspoon maple extract

1/4 cup half and half

For the bacon garnish:

6 strips of thick-cut bacon, diced, fried until crisp

Preheat the oven to 325.  Grease your donut pan(s) liberally.

In a large bowl, whisk together the first 8 ingredients.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the sugar, maple syrup, coconut oil, applesauce, vanilla and maple extracts.  Fold the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and stir until combined.

Using a pastry or plastic bag with a #12 tip, pipe the donut mixture into the donut molds, filling the wells halfway. (The batter does thicken upon standing, so you may need to use a small knife or spatula to evenly spread it around the donut molds)

Bake for 18 minutes, rotating the pan(s) halfway through the cooking time. Allow the donuts to cool in their molds for at least 30 minutes.  Carefully run a thin knife between the finished donut and the mold.  Twist/lift the donuts from their molds and allow them to rest on a baking rack.

While the donuts rest, prepare the glaze by whisking the powdered sugar, half and half, and maple extract in a shallow bowl until smooth.

Dip the donuts in the glaze and place the glazed donuts back on the baking rack, allowing the excess glaze to run off.  Sprinkle the glazed donuts with the bacon garnish.

Cuz you look a little hungry.

And it’s lunch time.

Besides, I’ve been cooking all week, and I need to find some use for this food.

So I took some bread and slathered it up with that pumpkin spread i just whizzed together (the recipe is on it’s way, I promise).

And I fried up an egg, kissed it with some parmesan cheese (because I believe in romance).

. . . layered it with those curried apples and that bacon.

(I may have stuffed some extra bacon in my mouth, realfast, but no one was around to prove it.)

And I took a step back to admire my handiwork.

What should I call this handsome little fella?  He’s all sweet and spicy, oozy and crunchy.

I thought I should taste it first, just to make sure it passes muster for you.  But before I could finish chewing my first bite,  a sudden gust of wind came storming through my kitchen (a monsoon I tell you!) and took the sandwich away.

Such a shame.  These weather currents, they’re crazy, ya know?

But a hunch, a very strong hunch (or maybe the pumpkin stuck in my teeth), tells me the sandwich, this Pumpkin McBacon, was kinda good.

The smell of bacon cooking is probably one of the smells, in addition to freshly popped popcorn, that they have at the gates of Heaven.

Now, I know what you’re thinking:  “Who are they anyway?  And what’s with this Jewish girl thinking she’ll get even close to Heaven with such a fine appreciation for pork?”

I probably won’t.  I’ll probably end up in Hell, where I hear they have a good buffet.  Won’t you be my room mate?

Offensive religious talk aside, the smell of cooking bacon is nothing short of nose-twitchingly divine.  The smell of cooked bacon 5 hours later, lingering through the house and stuck in my couch cushions, isn’t.  That smell kinda reminds me of a single-wide trailer, which is all I will say on that subject.

Thus, when I make bacon, I go whole hog (Ha!  I’m so punny!) and make the whole package.  I make it in the oven, too, so I don’t have to enjoy the fine splatters of grease all over my arms, countertop, and light fixtures.

Sometimes, since I’m already doomed, I go extra naughty and glaze the bacon in maple syrup.  This time I decided to cook down some apple cider I had hanging around with some of that maple syrup.

And then I slathered it all over that bacon.  Several times.

And it was good.

So, just make this, okay?

Cider Maple-Glazed Bacon

1 cup apple cider

1 Tablespoon maple syrup

1 package of bacon

In a small saucepan, combine apple cider and maple syrup.  Bring the mixture to a boil and allow it to cook until reduced by half.  Set aside and allow the cider syrup to cool.

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Line a quarter sheet pan with foil and place a cooling rack in the foil lined pan.  Lay the bacon out in one layer on the rack.  Do not over lap the slices.  Bake the bacon 15 minutes,  liberally basting the slices with the cider mixture several times.  Flip the bacon and baste it with the cider syrup again.  Bake for another 3-5 minutes, until bacon is a deep burnished brown.  Remove from the oven and transfer the bacon to a paper towel-lined plate. Lightly blot and serve. (Do not let the bacon cool on the paper towels, because the paper towel will stick to the glaze on the bacon).