The Spring Cleaning Project of 2012 started last week up in herrrrrre.

Just a few months ago, the Thankgiving Organization Attack went down like a clown. So you’d think a spring cleaning just a few, short months later would be bing-bang-boom and done.

Pshaw.

So far, I’ve sorted at least 12 bins of clothing and thrown away no less than 23 bag of STUFF. At least half of that has been trash. I think our trash has babies. Otherwise, there’s no reasonable explanation for how we accumulate so much junk in so little time.

I’ll admit I did go a little overboard stocking up on holiday baking supplies. I really did intend to go through all those bags white chocolate, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, butterscotch, and mint chips. I just fell into a sugar coma before I could get to those bags wayyyyyyy in the back of the pantry.

But, there’s no sugar overload here today. I’m purging. I’m repurposing. I’m making room. For more baking supplies, no doubt.

I’m also having fun throwing together a little bit of this and that, while emptying a few more jars and shelf space – as evidenced by these candy cups featuring a semisweet chocolate bottom and a butterscotch top.

They’re stuffed with Biscoff cookies and Biscoff spread. Oh, yes. I like stuff stuffed with stuff. It sounds like the story of my life.

Oh, and those sprinkles on top? I don’t even remember buying those. Ha ha! Laugh with me here, so I don’t sound like a nervous giggler.

Sprinkles don’t go bad, right?

Well, even if they do, it’s only a few intermittent flakes of Botulism. More importantly, that’s one more container I can get out of the pantry. CHA CHING.

Butterscotch Chocolate Biscoff Cups

1 1/2 cups butterscotch chips
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
2 tablespoons coconut oil, divided
1/4 cup Biscoff spread
3 Biscoff cookies, cut into quarters
chocolate sprinkles for garnish

Line a 12-hole muffin pan with paper liners. Set aside.

Place the chocolate chips in a microwave-safe bowl with 1 tablespoon coconut oil. Heat the chips in the microwave at 30 second intervals until 80 percent melted, stirring after each heating interval. Once the chips are 80% melted, stir the chocolate mixture continuously until fully melted and smooth.

Pour a scant tablespoon of the chocolate into the bottom of each paper-lined muffin hole. Place the pan in the refrigerator and allow the chocolate to chill and set for 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes, remove the pan from the refrigerator and place 1 teaspoon Biscoff spread in the center of the chilled chocolate. Place 1 Biscoff cookie quarter on top of the spread and press down lightly. Set aside.

Place the butterscotch chips in a microwave safe bowl with 1 tablespoon coconut oil. Heat the chips in the microwave at 30 second intervals until 80 percent melted, stirring after each heating interval. Once the chips are 80% melted, stir the butterscotch mixture continuously until fully melted and smooth.

Pour a heaping tablespoon of the butterscotch mixture over each Biscoff-filled chocolate layer, shaking the pan lightly to evenly fill each hole and cover the Biscoff completely. Decorate with sprinkles, if desired. Place in the refrigerator to chill and set for 30 minutes.

Serve. Keep the uneaten cups refrigerated. And hidden from other humans.

It’s high time this blog featured something cute in shot glasses.

And, really, I’m already kicking myself. While the whole shot glass idea is admittedly really cute, it’s also really hackneyed.

BUT, I recently ate at Seasons 52 and their desserts are served in little shot glasses and they’re all so insanely delicious and cute and it’s totally okay if you choose 5 out of the 7 they offer you because they’re all calorie-controlled and healthy or something like that. So I, too, shall give you shot glasses filled with delicious stuff.

And, it’s actually good-for-you stuff. Since I’m already cleaning out your insides with the juice I posted earlier in the week, I’ll just ride that raw, vegan wave out to never-never land and give you some more stuff that’s healthy and permissible if you eat all 3 shot glasses.

Maybe.

This mousse was also inspired by a recipe from The 3-Day Cleanse. It’s derived from their raw chocolate cashew milk that I tasted and instantly decided it is nectar from the Gods. Upon my second sip, I declared that every stinkin’ day should be raw chocolate cashew milk day. 90 seconds later, when I guzzled all 16 ounces and tried to move, only to feel it luridly sloshing around in my belly, I revised my opinion and wondered what I can do about incorporating the flavors into something with, say, a little less liquid.

And this is it and it’s worth waiting the blasted 6 hours to soak the cashews. So worth it. I generally don’t even go gaga for straight chocolatey desserts (you’ll hate me for saying that), but this stuff has my tongue seeking every nook and cranny of that shot glass. I kinda feel like Snooki, pre-pregnancy.

Whatever you do, when you make this, go out and buy the real deal cacoa powder or grind down cacao nibs into a powder. That raw cacao powder is key, with all that sexy, intoxicating, deep, rich flavor that will turn you, too, into THAT girl at the bar, trying too hard to impress THAT guy by showing off her tongue skills.

Cacoa is where it’s at. Cocoa is whacked.

Raw Vegan Chocolate Mouse

1 cup cashews, soaked 6 hours and drained
2 tablespoons agave syrup
4 teaspoons coconut oil
1 vanilla bean, scraped
1/2 cup water
2 tablespoons raw cacao powder
raw cacao nibs for garnish

Combine all the ingredients in the bowl of a food processor and puree for 3-4 minutes, periodically scraping the bowl, until the mixture is creamy and fluffy. Chill 1 hour to further thicken the mousse. Serve garnished with raw cacao nibs.

Perhaps it’s because I have 3 dogs, 2 of which like to go hunting for “chocolates” in the yard.

Perhaps it’s because my immaturity is fueled by a (sometimes) man-child known as Mr. Hausfrau.

Perhaps it’s because I’m just a thoroughly inappropriate person without a filter, but I think no-bake cookies are one of the most unappealing desserts for the one precise reason that they actually look like poopie.

The recipes always sound good and easy to make, but when I get to the part in the cooking directions where I have to drop those little chocolatey piles on a sheet of wax paper, I change my mind and decide to heft out the Kitchen Aid and make a traditional cookie instead.

Unless! Unless! How about I trick myself? What if I make those no-bakes and instead of dropping the cooked mixture into those, um, piles, I chill the mixture until it’s cooled and firm but pliable. And then I can take that dough and form it into little balls.

Oh geez, how cute is that? And portable, hello?! I’m totally okay with bagging up a few of these balls and busting them out in the car, in the movies, in the line at Walgreen’s.

I bet I would even inspire some snack envy from a few onlookers. They may even ask me WHAT is that? And WHAT is the recipe? And I would brag to them that it’s a no-bake recipe. I’d further impress them by admitting that I cleaned the recipe up, took out the highly processed junk, and made them healthy.

They’d walk away from the conversation totally convinced that A) they just had a life changing encounter and, B) the time for no-bakes is RIGHT NOW.

To which I would say, “Amen.”

Chocolate Coconut No-Bake Balls

1 1/3 cup agave
4 tablespoons cocoa powder
1 stick butter
1/2 cup milk
1 cup coconut butter
1 tablespoon vanilla
3 1/2 cups rolled oats
3/4 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
1/3 cup cocoa nibs

In a large saucepan, Bring the agave, cocoa, butter, and milk to a boil and allow the mixture to boil 1 minute.

Remove the mixture from the heat and stir in the coconut butter, vanilla, oats, coconut, and cocoa nibs until fully blended. Transfer the mixture to a large bowl and allow mixture to cool on the counter before placing in the refrigerator to chill for 2 hours.

Working with the chilled oat mixture, roll into 1-inch sized balls. Serve. (Keep the leftovers refrigerated)

Of all the most sinful, debauched and disgusting things I have done with bacon, this one takes the cake.

On a depravity scale of 1 to 10, these are a 11.25, at least.

Chocolate dipped marshmallows rolled in toffee and bacon? I need an intervention.

Send a Rabbi please. Make sure he brings some M&Ms, though – in case my blood sugar gets low.

If you’re a boy, or more specifically my husband, you’ll scowl in repulsion at these chocolate, bacon, and toffee covered marshmallows. But if you’re a little wacky like me, you’ll love these and devour their sticky, melty chewiness while gnawing the stick clean.

In fact, if you’re like me, you order a diet soda with your extra-value meal.

Oh yeah, that’s right, I get down with the Mickey D’s.

If you’re anything like me, sometimes you go to bed without washing your makeup off, only to wake up with eyelashes smearked (thats smeared and caked ) into one large mascara’d mess.

And let’s get real, y’all – it’s got to be a pretty special occasion (i.e. a cold day in Hell) for you to get dressing on the side. I know. In fact, while we’re at that table, maybe you DON’T always keep your elbows off it. How else are you going to participate in totally inappropriate dining conversation if you can’t lean in, waving your fork for emphasis?

And when you finally get to a point when your pants won’t zipper, you diet. Because for you, “eating intuitively” is a joke. You intuitively like the feeling of a full belly, so you have something to rub when you sigh after a good meal. Your intuition isn’t a naturally skinny girl – she’s a mouthy bitch that loves cake.

So, if we have a little or a lot in common, you should try these stone cold, trashy-ass marshmallows and enjoy them with as little shame as I did.

Just make sure to get a Diet Coke on the side.

Chocolate Toffee and Bacon Covered Marshmallows

Marshmallows
Chocolate chips (milks chocolate or semi-sweet)
Heath bar toffee bits
Bacon, finely diced and fried until crisp
Lollipop sticks

Line a plate or a cookie sheet with wax paper. Insert a lollipop stick into one flat end of the marshmallows and set aside.

Melt the chocolate chips over a double boiler. Dip the marshmallows into the melted chocolate and gently shake to dislodge excess chocolate. Roll one half of the chocolate dipped marshmallows in toffee and the other half in the bacon. Set the marshmallows on the plate or cookie sheet and allow the chocolate to cool and harden completely before eating.

I absolutely, hands-down-and-shake-them-all-around, love the peppermint brownie that Starbucks puts out for the holidays. Like, in a way that borders on scary. I seriously don’t know what they put in them, but I surmise that crack is highly likely.

Well, the other day, I NEEDED one of those brownies. But I wasn’t leaving the house because my hair also NEEDED to see a shampoo bottle and, frankly, that just wasn’t on the schedule.

So, I got to gathering the ingredients for a homemade, copycat recipe I found online, grumbling all the way through because that junk was complicated. Each recipe called for multiple steps, refrigeration, doing the hokey pokey, etc. Anyway, I’m whizzing around the kitchen, grabbing bowls, fiddling with ovens, hoisting flour, dodging puppies and my clumsiness just got the best of me. While reaching for the sugar on an overhead shelf, I got smacked, square in the head, with a bag of chocolate chips.

Story of my life.

When I bent to retrieve the bag, I saw that it wasn’t just any ole’ bag of chips. It was that bag of Nestle Tollhouse Dark Chocolate and Mint Morsels I haphazardly threw into my basket a few weeks ago on a spree at Target.

Oh, now there’s an idea.

You could say it was divine intervention. I say it was a Christmas miracle for this little Jewish girl.

Instead of making that copycat Starbucks recipe, I made a brownie that has all the basic components of those blessed Starbucks treats: chocolate, peppermint, cream cheese, brownies, calories, calories, and CALORIES.

The result? Um, let’s just say I found out how many brownies I can fit into my mouth at once.

It’s 3, and it isn’t something that I’m proud of. But at least I didn’t have to wash my hair for them.

Peppermint Chip Brownies
(adapted from Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything)

2 ounces unsweetened chocolate, roughly chopped
1 stick unsalted butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1/2 cup flour
pinch salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

4 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature
1/4 cup sugar
1 tablespoon flour
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

1 cup Nestle Tollhouse Dark Chocolate and Mint Morsels

Preheat the oven to 350.

First prepare the cream cheese swirl by creaming 2 tablespoons butter and the cream cheese with 1/4 cup of sugar. Beat in one egg and 1/2 teaspoon vanilla. Fold in 1 tablespoon flour. Set aside

In a medium bowl, combine the flour and salt.

In another medium bowl set over a pot of simmering water, warm the butter and chocolate until the butter is all melted and the chocolate is halfway melted. Remove from the heat and whisk until all the chocolate is melted. Whisk in the sugar until combined. Add the eggs, one at a time, and continue whisking until the mixture is well blended. Add the chocolate mixture to the flour mixture and fold together until combined. Spread the brownie mixture into to an 8 by 8 pan.

Pour the cream cheese mixture on top of the brownie mixture and swirl to achieve a marbled effect. Sprinkle with the chocolate/peppermint chips

Bake the brownies 20 – 25 minutes and allow them to cool before slicing.

*If you can’t find the mint chip mix, just use semi sweet chocolate chips and add a bit of peppermint extract in the cream cheese swirl mixture.

This rainbow cake is another one of those local, Baltimore specialties with a loyal following. Truth be told, if you find rainbow cake on the dessert table around these parts, you’ve struck gold. You want to impress someone? Bring a rainbow cake. You want to send something to a shiva? Send a rainbow cake (because they’ll have enough smoked fish to dry out the Chesapeake Bay).

As popular as it is in Baltimore, you’ll be hard pressed to find rainbow cake outside of this city. I’ve searched. Even in South Florida, where most East coast Members of the Tribe go to die or escape the winter – no rainbow cake. I’ve found rainbow cookies. No dice.

What you have here is actually something simple: layers of yellow cake that have been doctored with a little bit of almond extract and enough food coloring to permanently stain your intestines. In between the layers that are so bright they can be seen from outer space, you have either raspberry jelly or chocolate frosting. Enrobing the cake is a chocolate fudge frosting.

Commonly, you’ll find both varieties of cake, chocolate filling or raspberry filling, in the deli. But let’s get something straight. It’s jelly or go home. Seriously.

Even though each layer is the same, that yellow cake with almond essence I mentioned, a funny thing happens when you eat this cake. The bright colors fool you into thinking each layer is a different flavor. You swear you can decipher lemon from lime, blueberry from strawberry. That’s just your mind playing tricks on you. Or maybe the food coloring having a drugging effect. No matter.

My attempt here was admittedly my first dance with the homemade rainbow cake, so to save myself from the vapors should the cake have been a miserable failure, I had a Semi-Homemade moment and went with a box mix and box frosting.

Don’t hate.

If you’re an overachiever, try this with your favorite homemade cake and frosting recipe. Go crazy with more layers or different colors. Red and green for a Christmas theme? Sure, why not? Blue and gold for Hanukah? Mazel tov.

Just, whatever you do, in the name of all that’s good and holy, make sure you do that jelly in the middle.

Homemade Rainbow Cake

1 box of yellow cake mix
2 teaspoons almond extract
food coloring (gel or powder preferred)

1 jar chocolate fudge frosting

1/2 cup raspberry jam or jelly, stirred well

sprinkles

Preheat the oven according to the cake mix’s directions.

Prepare cake mix according to the box’s direction, adding the almond extract to the batter. Using a measuring cup, evenly divide the mix into 4 smaller bowls to color the batter.

Into each bowl, add approximately half a container of food coloring into the batter. Stir to ensure even distribution of the color.

Scrape each colored mix into a loaf pan and bake 20-25 minutes, or until a cake tester comes out dry. Remove from the oven and allow the layers to cool completely.

Once the layers are cooled, carefully remove them from the pan. Level the cake layers if necessary, to ensure even stacking. Starting with the bottom layer, spread 1/3 of the raspberry jam evenly across the top of the cake base. Carefully place another layer on top of the jam and repeat with each layer, leaving the top layer without jam. Place the jam-filled cake in the refrigerator and allow it to chill and set at least 2 hours.

After the cake has chilled, remove it from the refrigerator. Trim the sides, if necessary, to create even edges. Transfer the cake to a wire rack set over a sheet pan or wax paper.

In the microwave or in a double boiler, warm the entire tub of frosting until it is liquidy. Pour the frosting over the top of the cake and along the sides by spoonfuls to enrobe it completely with the frosting. Allow the frosting to set for 10 minutes and decorate the with sprinkles as desired.

Return the frosted cake to the refrigerator, and allow it to chill until completely set, at least 2 hours. Allow the cake to sit at room temperature 30 minutes before serving. (cake may be frozen, too)

Truth: That isn’t entirely accurate. The first words REALLY out of my mouth are, “Don’t touch. It’s mineminemine, all mine.”

Truth: This doesn’t make me the most pleasant dining companion, but I do make up for it with my charming sense of humor.

Truth: On a few occasions, Mr. Hausfrau has hidden food from me. But, then again, I’ve hidden food from myself.

These cookies, for example, I’ve hidden. From him. From myself. From the neighborhood children, you name it. They’re my best stab at a popular Baltimore confection, the Berger Cookie.

Berger Cookies have even made it as big as scoring a spot on Wikipedia, who describes the Berger Cookie as “a kind of cookie made and distributed by DeBaufre Bakeries. It is a vanilla wafer topped with a thick layer of chocolate ganache that derives from a German recipe, and are a cultural icon of Baltimore.”

Indeed, Berger Cookies are quintessentially Baltimore, channeling the city’s hardworking, blue collar roots and unfussy welcome. It’s a cookie that isn’t much to look at, but it’s big on personality. Thick, fudgy, sweet topping is haphazardly slapped on the underside of a sweet, vanilla sponge cookie. It’s enough sugar to make your jaw ache.

So, if you think you are going to hunker down with a plate of these next Friday night, like you did with that box of Samoas last weekend, while watching reruns of the Amy Fisher story on Lifetime television, you may want to rethink your plan.

Nope, there is a time and a place for a Berger cookie. Aside from being a stellar holiday cookie, these can and should be used as a PMS savior. These can and should be frozen. These can and should be popped into the microwave to warm them, leaving the chocolate fudge topping all oozy, glazed, and warm. They may or may not be delicious when further topped with vanilla ice cream. I will neither admit nor deny such gluttony.

I do promise you that these cookies will help you win friends and influence people. Just make sure you keep some for yourself (hidden, of course) – because you never know when the monster is within you, your spouse, or the children next door. You’ll do well to stay armed. And keep everyone stuffed with enormous, fudgy cookies.

Homemade Berger Cookies
(Heavily adapted from Cook’s Illustrated)

2 cups cake flour
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 sticks unsalted butter, at room temperature
3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons sugar
1 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup milk

3 cups semisweet chocolate chips
1 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk
1/4 cup unsalted butter

First, prepare the fudge topping: In a double boiler, heat the butter, condensed milk, and chocolate chips until the chips are 80 percent melted, stirring frequently. Remove from the heat and continue stirring until the chips are completely melted. Spread the fudge mixture into an 8 x 8 pan to cool it and let it set up a bit.

Preheat the oven to 375.

In a large bowl, combine the cake flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.

In another large bowl, or the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the butter until softened. Add the sugar and beat until very light and fluffy. Add the vanilla and the eggs, one at a time, and beat well after each addition.

Carefully add half of the flour mixture to the butter mixture and stir a few times to start incorporating. Add the milk and stir again, a few times, to start incorporating. Add the rest of the flour mixture and continue stirring until the batter is well combined.

Using a cookie scoop or 1/8 cup, mound the batter 2 inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake 10 minutes, just until the edges begin to brown. Remove from the oven and transfer the cookies to a wire rack. Cool the cookies completely.

To assemble the cookies: Once the vanilla cookies are cooled completely and the fudge is 80% cooled (do not cool the fudge all the way, as you need it to be malleable), the cookies are ready to be assembled. Turn the vanilla cookies upside down and spread a hearty mound of fudge (a scant 2 tablespoons) on the underside of the cookies. They don’t have to be perfect, just make sure you get fudge all the way to the edges of the cookie. Once the cookie is covered, let it rest on a wire rack. Allow the fudge to set 30 minutes before serving.

Get your leggings ready, mama, because the mayhem is ‘bout to begin.

These cookies, however, are a soft entry. They’re chock full of enough oats that the coconut, chocolate chips, and dried cherries don’t seem as naughty.

This is a cookie about familiarity, with a soft chew that is crisp at the edges and nubby throughout. It’s the kind of cookie that you wanted to come home to after school, lovingly stacked on a plate and still warm from the oven.

This isn’t a cookie that will win many beauty contests. They definitely look like they were homemade, perhaps by someone quite nearsighted at that, but their rustic appeal will warm your heart and fill your belly nonetheless.

If you share these with a friend or a neighbor, they won’t think you’re trying to show off your culinary prowess. They won’t be intimidated. They won’t believe the photos that your ex-boyfriend from college submitted to The Dirty.

You may even be tempted to have a few for breakfast. Just a few, because you’re on the run and they’re a better alternative to the drive thru. You might be on to something, though I admit nothing.

One thing to remember about this unassuming little cookie is that it’s humble looks hide a wealth of flavors and textures within. Dried cherries are doing the box-step with chocolate chips, all while the coconut and oats mud wrestle. It sounds a bit like a frat party, no?

So, you should make these cookies. Because whether you bring them to a cookie swap, potluck, or even keep them on hand for a sweet treat during the day, these cookies will wrap you in a warm gentle hug and pat you sweetly on your shoulder, telling you that layering your hair wasn’t that bad an idea and the frizz doesn’t make your head take on the shape of a pyramid.

And sometimes, those are just the kind of reassurances that we all need.

Chocolate Cherry Coconut Oat Cookies

3 cups oats
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
2 sticks unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup dried cherries
1/2 cup shredded, sweetened coconut flakes

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

In a medium bowl, combine the oats, flour, salt, and baking powder. Set aside.

In a large bowl or the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the butter until softened. Add the sugars and beat until fluffy and light. Add the eggs one at a time, beating just until combined. Add the vanilla.

With the mixer on low or with a sturdy spoon/rubber spatula, mix in the oat mixture just until it comes together. Add in the chocolate chips, dried cherries, and coconut and mix until combined.

With a scoop or by hand, shape the dough into 1 1/2 inch sized balls and arrange them onto a cookie sheet, approximately 2 inches apart. Bake 18-22 minutes, until the cookies are golden at the edges. Remove from the oven and allow the cookies to cool 2 minutes on the pan, transferring to a cooling rack afterward. Serve.