The Spring Cleaning Project of 2012 started last week up in herrrrrre.

Just a few months ago, the Thankgiving Organization Attack went down like a clown. So you’d think a spring cleaning just a few, short months later would be bing-bang-boom and done.

Pshaw.

So far, I’ve sorted at least 12 bins of clothing and thrown away no less than 23 bag of STUFF. At least half of that has been trash. I think our trash has babies. Otherwise, there’s no reasonable explanation for how we accumulate so much junk in so little time.

I’ll admit I did go a little overboard stocking up on holiday baking supplies. I really did intend to go through all those bags white chocolate, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, butterscotch, and mint chips. I just fell into a sugar coma before I could get to those bags wayyyyyyy in the back of the pantry.

But, there’s no sugar overload here today. I’m purging. I’m repurposing. I’m making room. For more baking supplies, no doubt.

I’m also having fun throwing together a little bit of this and that, while emptying a few more jars and shelf space – as evidenced by these candy cups featuring a semisweet chocolate bottom and a butterscotch top.

They’re stuffed with Biscoff cookies and Biscoff spread. Oh, yes. I like stuff stuffed with stuff. It sounds like the story of my life.

Oh, and those sprinkles on top? I don’t even remember buying those. Ha ha! Laugh with me here, so I don’t sound like a nervous giggler.

Sprinkles don’t go bad, right?

Well, even if they do, it’s only a few intermittent flakes of Botulism. More importantly, that’s one more container I can get out of the pantry. CHA CHING.

Butterscotch Chocolate Biscoff Cups

1 1/2 cups butterscotch chips
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
2 tablespoons coconut oil, divided
1/4 cup Biscoff spread
3 Biscoff cookies, cut into quarters
chocolate sprinkles for garnish

Line a 12-hole muffin pan with paper liners. Set aside.

Place the chocolate chips in a microwave-safe bowl with 1 tablespoon coconut oil. Heat the chips in the microwave at 30 second intervals until 80 percent melted, stirring after each heating interval. Once the chips are 80% melted, stir the chocolate mixture continuously until fully melted and smooth.

Pour a scant tablespoon of the chocolate into the bottom of each paper-lined muffin hole. Place the pan in the refrigerator and allow the chocolate to chill and set for 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes, remove the pan from the refrigerator and place 1 teaspoon Biscoff spread in the center of the chilled chocolate. Place 1 Biscoff cookie quarter on top of the spread and press down lightly. Set aside.

Place the butterscotch chips in a microwave safe bowl with 1 tablespoon coconut oil. Heat the chips in the microwave at 30 second intervals until 80 percent melted, stirring after each heating interval. Once the chips are 80% melted, stir the butterscotch mixture continuously until fully melted and smooth.

Pour a heaping tablespoon of the butterscotch mixture over each Biscoff-filled chocolate layer, shaking the pan lightly to evenly fill each hole and cover the Biscoff completely. Decorate with sprinkles, if desired. Place in the refrigerator to chill and set for 30 minutes.

Serve. Keep the uneaten cups refrigerated. And hidden from other humans.

Perhaps it’s because I have 3 dogs, 2 of which like to go hunting for “chocolates” in the yard.

Perhaps it’s because my immaturity is fueled by a (sometimes) man-child known as Mr. Hausfrau.

Perhaps it’s because I’m just a thoroughly inappropriate person without a filter, but I think no-bake cookies are one of the most unappealing desserts for the one precise reason that they actually look like poopie.

The recipes always sound good and easy to make, but when I get to the part in the cooking directions where I have to drop those little chocolatey piles on a sheet of wax paper, I change my mind and decide to heft out the Kitchen Aid and make a traditional cookie instead.

Unless! Unless! How about I trick myself? What if I make those no-bakes and instead of dropping the cooked mixture into those, um, piles, I chill the mixture until it’s cooled and firm but pliable. And then I can take that dough and form it into little balls.

Oh geez, how cute is that? And portable, hello?! I’m totally okay with bagging up a few of these balls and busting them out in the car, in the movies, in the line at Walgreen’s.

I bet I would even inspire some snack envy from a few onlookers. They may even ask me WHAT is that? And WHAT is the recipe? And I would brag to them that it’s a no-bake recipe. I’d further impress them by admitting that I cleaned the recipe up, took out the highly processed junk, and made them healthy.

They’d walk away from the conversation totally convinced that A) they just had a life changing encounter and, B) the time for no-bakes is RIGHT NOW.

To which I would say, “Amen.”

Chocolate Coconut No-Bake Balls

1 1/3 cup agave
4 tablespoons cocoa powder
1 stick butter
1/2 cup milk
1 cup coconut butter
1 tablespoon vanilla
3 1/2 cups rolled oats
3/4 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
1/3 cup cocoa nibs

In a large saucepan, Bring the agave, cocoa, butter, and milk to a boil and allow the mixture to boil 1 minute.

Remove the mixture from the heat and stir in the coconut butter, vanilla, oats, coconut, and cocoa nibs until fully blended. Transfer the mixture to a large bowl and allow mixture to cool on the counter before placing in the refrigerator to chill for 2 hours.

Working with the chilled oat mixture, roll into 1-inch sized balls. Serve. (Keep the leftovers refrigerated)

Truth: That isn’t entirely accurate. The first words REALLY out of my mouth are, “Don’t touch. It’s mineminemine, all mine.”

Truth: This doesn’t make me the most pleasant dining companion, but I do make up for it with my charming sense of humor.

Truth: On a few occasions, Mr. Hausfrau has hidden food from me. But, then again, I’ve hidden food from myself.

These cookies, for example, I’ve hidden. From him. From myself. From the neighborhood children, you name it. They’re my best stab at a popular Baltimore confection, the Berger Cookie.

Berger Cookies have even made it as big as scoring a spot on Wikipedia, who describes the Berger Cookie as “a kind of cookie made and distributed by DeBaufre Bakeries. It is a vanilla wafer topped with a thick layer of chocolate ganache that derives from a German recipe, and are a cultural icon of Baltimore.”

Indeed, Berger Cookies are quintessentially Baltimore, channeling the city’s hardworking, blue collar roots and unfussy welcome. It’s a cookie that isn’t much to look at, but it’s big on personality. Thick, fudgy, sweet topping is haphazardly slapped on the underside of a sweet, vanilla sponge cookie. It’s enough sugar to make your jaw ache.

So, if you think you are going to hunker down with a plate of these next Friday night, like you did with that box of Samoas last weekend, while watching reruns of the Amy Fisher story on Lifetime television, you may want to rethink your plan.

Nope, there is a time and a place for a Berger cookie. Aside from being a stellar holiday cookie, these can and should be used as a PMS savior. These can and should be frozen. These can and should be popped into the microwave to warm them, leaving the chocolate fudge topping all oozy, glazed, and warm. They may or may not be delicious when further topped with vanilla ice cream. I will neither admit nor deny such gluttony.

I do promise you that these cookies will help you win friends and influence people. Just make sure you keep some for yourself (hidden, of course) – because you never know when the monster is within you, your spouse, or the children next door. You’ll do well to stay armed. And keep everyone stuffed with enormous, fudgy cookies.

Homemade Berger Cookies
(Heavily adapted from Cook’s Illustrated)

2 cups cake flour
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 sticks unsalted butter, at room temperature
3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons sugar
1 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup milk

3 cups semisweet chocolate chips
1 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk
1/4 cup unsalted butter

First, prepare the fudge topping: In a double boiler, heat the butter, condensed milk, and chocolate chips until the chips are 80 percent melted, stirring frequently. Remove from the heat and continue stirring until the chips are completely melted. Spread the fudge mixture into an 8 x 8 pan to cool it and let it set up a bit.

Preheat the oven to 375.

In a large bowl, combine the cake flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.

In another large bowl, or the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the butter until softened. Add the sugar and beat until very light and fluffy. Add the vanilla and the eggs, one at a time, and beat well after each addition.

Carefully add half of the flour mixture to the butter mixture and stir a few times to start incorporating. Add the milk and stir again, a few times, to start incorporating. Add the rest of the flour mixture and continue stirring until the batter is well combined.

Using a cookie scoop or 1/8 cup, mound the batter 2 inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake 10 minutes, just until the edges begin to brown. Remove from the oven and transfer the cookies to a wire rack. Cool the cookies completely.

To assemble the cookies: Once the vanilla cookies are cooled completely and the fudge is 80% cooled (do not cool the fudge all the way, as you need it to be malleable), the cookies are ready to be assembled. Turn the vanilla cookies upside down and spread a hearty mound of fudge (a scant 2 tablespoons) on the underside of the cookies. They don’t have to be perfect, just make sure you get fudge all the way to the edges of the cookie. Once the cookie is covered, let it rest on a wire rack. Allow the fudge to set 30 minutes before serving.

In an ideal world, Maggie would have liked to give these gingerbread lemon whoopie pies two paws up and an A plus.

You see, a few weeks ago, as I was moving these cookies from a tray in the freezer to a bag in the freezer, one of them slipped and skidded to a dull, icy thud on the kitchen floor. Maggie developed wings and swooped in, locking it in her steely little jaw and running away before the other 2 dogs could sniff what they were missing.

She retreated to her girl cave – a pillow that we keep on the floor between the couch and the wall – where she goes to eat her treats and generally hide from Max’s womanizing ways. There she stood in her little alcove, all silky, magnificent 13 pounds of her, stock still, hoping mom and dad would forget about the melting treat in her mouth and, for heavens sake, stop trying to wedge themselves between the couch and the wall to snatch the sticky mess from her mouth.

It must have been quite the harassing 2 minutes for her, with mom and dad all like “NONONO MAGGIE DROPITDROPIT NONONO,” and the 2 boys all like, “What did she do? What did she do?”

I imagine that’s why she finally came out of her little den, all tentative tippy toes, big eyes, and long face. She waited at our feet while we pried the cookie out her mouth (girlfriend was not going down without a fight). Docile, but not dumb.

Besides, I’m sure she’d have never fully appreciated how the gentle, fluffy lemon cream filling perfectly plays off the gingery spiced cookie for a whoopie pie that is complicated but familiar all the same. She definitely wouldn’t have stopped to enjoy how the filling smushed out the sides when she finally bit into it, oozing into the corners of her mouth. The slight, sugary crunch that dusted each cookie and gave way to a cakey filling? Its delights would have been fully lost on her.

Of course, we felt bad afterward and, of course, we gave her a treat instead and, of course, the other two dogs got a treat because when one gets a treat then every body gets a treat.

And, of course, I looked they other way when Murphy high-fived Maggie and gave Max that knowing look. Of course, they wouldn’t cook up another hair-brained plot to get more treats out of the day.

Gingerbread Lemon Whoopie Pies
(Adapted from McCormick Spice Company)

3 cups flour
2 teaspoons ground ginger
1 teapoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, at room temperature
3/4 cup brown sugar, packed
1/2 cup molasses
1 egg
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/4 cup granulated sugar

1 7-ounce jar marshmallow fluff
1/2 a stick unsalted butter, at room temperature
4 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1 teaspoon lemon extract
1 teaspoon lemon zest

In a large bowl, mix together the flour, spices, baking soda, nutmeg and salt. Set aside.

In a stand mixer (or medium bowl) beat the butter until softened. Add the sugar and beat until light and fluffy. Add the molasses, egg, and vanilla. Beat until blended. Add the flour mixture and mix it until well-combined. Remove the dough from the mixer and wrap it in plastic wrap, allowing it to chill in the refrigerator at least 4 hours.

Once you are ready to bake the dough, preheat the oven to 350. Place 1/4 cup of granulated sugar in a shallow bowl. Form the dough into 1-inch sized balls and roll the balls in the sugar. Arrange the rolled balls 2 inches apart on a cookie sheet.

Bake 8 minutes, until the edges of the cookies are just turning golden. Do not overcook, as the cookies become too crisp for the filling. Cool the cookies on a wire rack.

To make the lemon filling: In a large bowl, beat the marshmallow fluff, butter, cream cheese, lemon extract and lemon zest until fluffy.

Assemble the whoopie pies by sandwiching the lemon filling between two cookies. Store the whoopie pies in the refrigerator or freezer until needed.

Get your leggings ready, mama, because the mayhem is ‘bout to begin.

These cookies, however, are a soft entry. They’re chock full of enough oats that the coconut, chocolate chips, and dried cherries don’t seem as naughty.

This is a cookie about familiarity, with a soft chew that is crisp at the edges and nubby throughout. It’s the kind of cookie that you wanted to come home to after school, lovingly stacked on a plate and still warm from the oven.

This isn’t a cookie that will win many beauty contests. They definitely look like they were homemade, perhaps by someone quite nearsighted at that, but their rustic appeal will warm your heart and fill your belly nonetheless.

If you share these with a friend or a neighbor, they won’t think you’re trying to show off your culinary prowess. They won’t be intimidated. They won’t believe the photos that your ex-boyfriend from college submitted to The Dirty.

You may even be tempted to have a few for breakfast. Just a few, because you’re on the run and they’re a better alternative to the drive thru. You might be on to something, though I admit nothing.

One thing to remember about this unassuming little cookie is that it’s humble looks hide a wealth of flavors and textures within. Dried cherries are doing the box-step with chocolate chips, all while the coconut and oats mud wrestle. It sounds a bit like a frat party, no?

So, you should make these cookies. Because whether you bring them to a cookie swap, potluck, or even keep them on hand for a sweet treat during the day, these cookies will wrap you in a warm gentle hug and pat you sweetly on your shoulder, telling you that layering your hair wasn’t that bad an idea and the frizz doesn’t make your head take on the shape of a pyramid.

And sometimes, those are just the kind of reassurances that we all need.

Chocolate Cherry Coconut Oat Cookies

3 cups oats
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
2 sticks unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup dried cherries
1/2 cup shredded, sweetened coconut flakes

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

In a medium bowl, combine the oats, flour, salt, and baking powder. Set aside.

In a large bowl or the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the butter until softened. Add the sugars and beat until fluffy and light. Add the eggs one at a time, beating just until combined. Add the vanilla.

With the mixer on low or with a sturdy spoon/rubber spatula, mix in the oat mixture just until it comes together. Add in the chocolate chips, dried cherries, and coconut and mix until combined.

With a scoop or by hand, shape the dough into 1 1/2 inch sized balls and arrange them onto a cookie sheet, approximately 2 inches apart. Bake 18-22 minutes, until the cookies are golden at the edges. Remove from the oven and allow the cookies to cool 2 minutes on the pan, transferring to a cooling rack afterward. Serve.