Well, these. . . .

These . . . apparently leave me speechless.

These teriyaki bacon-wrapped dates are a fine, fine specimen of savory and sweet, gooey and meaty. They’ll leave your fingers absolutely caked with their sticky love.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It leaves you a little sumthin-sumthin for later.

That’s gross. And really unsanitary.

These beauteous little appetizers are actually a riff on the one of my favorites: Rumaki. I first tried Rumaki at a New Year’s Eve party my boss had when I was 19 years old. It was as if my taste buds were awakened from a Rip van Winkle-esque slumber. I spent the next half hour stalking that tray of Rumaki as it was passed around. I must have looked odd, pushing unsuspecting women and children out of my way, chanting, “Bacon, bacon! Give it to me wrapped in bacon!”

To my dying day, I will blame it on hormones and claim that it wasn’t that big a deal and everyone else had too much to drink.

Geez, those lushes.

I decided to swap out the water chestnuts for dates here, for no other reason than my major problem with conformity. And I basted these beauties with Teriyaki sauce, for no other reason than my major crush on the word “baste.”

When they were done, I delicately plated these little treats up on a small platter to take pictures of them. But, when I got behind the camera, I realized they looked like cockroaches. And that just wasn’t cool, man.

I needed to show that these were indeed bacon and zoom in on their intricacies while i was at it. Because these aren’t some shallow little hussies. They’re glazed. They’re smokey. They’re a party in your mouth, but they also read Proust. Heck, I don’t even read Proust.

My point, which I am only now getting to, is that we’re entering into a season of holidays and parties. It’s likely you’ll be hosting something. Your guests are going to come to your house HUNGRY. They’re not going to have a sensible snack 90 minutes prior to their arrival. They’re going to starve all day to save room and calories for the feast you are going to spread before them. They WILL hover about your kitchen like fruit flies.

Do yourself a favor and throw a couple dozen of these morsels at them. That way you can carve the turkey in peace.

Teriyaki Bacon-Wrapped Dates

18 dates
9 slices of bacon
2 tablespoons teriyaki sauce

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Cut the bacon slices in half (this is easiest done when the bacon is very cold). Placing one date at the end of one half-slice of bacon, tightly roll the date in the bacon, securing each roll with a tooth pick. Place the wrapped bacon on a sheet pan.

Bake the bacon-wrapped dates 20 minutes. Switch the oven to broil. Brush the dates with the teriyaki sauce and broil 1-2 minutes, until sizzling and a deep burnished brown.

Serve immediately.