Open wide.

This burger is coming to getcha’, getcha’, getcha’, so it’s eat or be eaten.

When I put this guy on a plate, I actually did say, “There’s no way I’ll be able to get that in my mouth.”

Which made Mr. Hausfrau all like, ”Oooh, don’t let anyone hear you say that.”

And it made me all like, “It’s true, I have a small mouth.”

Then he was all like, “Ugh!” before stomping off into the other room.

Leaving me, of course, all like, “Nananana!” behind his back.

In case anyone ever wondered why I don’t want children, there’s your sign. I’m a child, myself. But! But! I’m a child with grown-up tastes. A child for whom this tuna burger is a new favorite burger.

What about this burger do I love? It’s golden crisp on the outside, meaty on the inside and flavor all around, spiked with green onion, cilantro, ginger, and soy.

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. More, please and thank you.

Oh, and it’s glazed with a bit of teriyaki. Are you gonna’ have the rest of that?

In my world, there’s never too much of a good thing.

Now when it comes to serving these, you can take my hulking burger ensemble as a gentle suggestion. If you’re not a fan of mayo, don’t use it on your roll (I’m not judging you or anything, but what the what?)

Maybe you’re allergic to tomato, so leave it off. Perhaps it’s date night, so kick those red onions to the curb.

But the avocado is non-negotiable. As in, you must have it or you will break my heart.

And you don’t want to break my heart. For real. You know, hell hath no fury, and all that jazz.

Teriyaki Tuna Burgers

1 pound raw tuna steaks, cut into 1 inch cubes
3 tablespoons cilantro
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 teaspoons dijon mustard
1 slice of your favorite bread, crumbled
2 scallions, green tops only, sliced
1 teaspoon fresh ginger, grated
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1/4 teaspoon pepper
2 tablespoons your favorite teriyaki sauce

Pulse the raw tuna cubes in a food processor 10 times, or until the cubes are half way chopped. Add the cilantro, mayonnaise, dijon mustard, bread, scallions, ginger, soy and pepper. Pulse another 10 times, or until the mixture is half way blended. Do not over process, or the tuna will get mushy.

Remove the tuna mixture to a bowl or large plate and knead the mixture a few times to get all the flavorings and binding combined with the tuna. Divide the mixture into 4 equal portions and form into patties.

Cook the patties on a grill or on the stovetop over medium-high heat, approximately 3 minutes per side. Brush the finished burgers with teriyaki sauce and serve.

Well, these. . . .

These . . . apparently leave me speechless.

These teriyaki bacon-wrapped dates are a fine, fine specimen of savory and sweet, gooey and meaty. They’ll leave your fingers absolutely caked with their sticky love.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It leaves you a little sumthin-sumthin for later.

That’s gross. And really unsanitary.

These beauteous little appetizers are actually a riff on the one of my favorites: Rumaki. I first tried Rumaki at a New Year’s Eve party my boss had when I was 19 years old. It was as if my taste buds were awakened from a Rip van Winkle-esque slumber. I spent the next half hour stalking that tray of Rumaki as it was passed around. I must have looked odd, pushing unsuspecting women and children out of my way, chanting, “Bacon, bacon! Give it to me wrapped in bacon!”

To my dying day, I will blame it on hormones and claim that it wasn’t that big a deal and everyone else had too much to drink.

Geez, those lushes.

I decided to swap out the water chestnuts for dates here, for no other reason than my major problem with conformity. And I basted these beauties with Teriyaki sauce, for no other reason than my major crush on the word “baste.”

When they were done, I delicately plated these little treats up on a small platter to take pictures of them. But, when I got behind the camera, I realized they looked like cockroaches. And that just wasn’t cool, man.

I needed to show that these were indeed bacon and zoom in on their intricacies while i was at it. Because these aren’t some shallow little hussies. They’re glazed. They’re smokey. They’re a party in your mouth, but they also read Proust. Heck, I don’t even read Proust.

My point, which I am only now getting to, is that we’re entering into a season of holidays and parties. It’s likely you’ll be hosting something. Your guests are going to come to your house HUNGRY. They’re not going to have a sensible snack 90 minutes prior to their arrival. They’re going to starve all day to save room and calories for the feast you are going to spread before them. They WILL hover about your kitchen like fruit flies.

Do yourself a favor and throw a couple dozen of these morsels at them. That way you can carve the turkey in peace.

Teriyaki Bacon-Wrapped Dates

18 dates
9 slices of bacon
2 tablespoons teriyaki sauce

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Cut the bacon slices in half (this is easiest done when the bacon is very cold). Placing one date at the end of one half-slice of bacon, tightly roll the date in the bacon, securing each roll with a tooth pick. Place the wrapped bacon on a sheet pan.

Bake the bacon-wrapped dates 20 minutes. Switch the oven to broil. Brush the dates with the teriyaki sauce and broil 1-2 minutes, until sizzling and a deep burnished brown.

Serve immediately.